It has been reported at length-but mainly in my head that the Brazil World Cup will be cancelled and awarded to Scotland. In light of the recent riots and demonstrations FIFA have declared Brazil to be no-football zone for the foreseeable future.  

In recognition of their consistent underachievement and at times disastrous performance at tournaments (yes, we were at one time perennial qualifiers) Scotland have been given a historical bye into the tournament together with the award of hosts.

Despite being a small country, and with only 4 viable 20,000+ stadiums (Ibrox, Celtic Park,Hampden and Murrayfield) the calamitous Scottish Football Association (SFA) are confident they can pull it of. Indeed in many ways the matching of FIFA and the SFA is perfect.

At present details are brief but it is believed that in order to encourage competition and avoid complete embarrassment the hosts will be awarded one player from each of the confederations. However in order not to appear totally farcical the chosen players will be given new “Scottishized” names eg.Neymar becomes Nae-mare, and will undergo an intensive period of re-education in the Caledonian lifestyle, play and methods.

The addition of “see you Jimmy” Ginger wigs and small kilts were mooted as additions to the playing kit but in reality will not pass Health and Safety regulations.

In addition as hosts Scotland will be awarded with a 5 goal start to each game and their 1st round group will consist of the weakest qualified teams.